As I have mentioned before, 2018 has seriously been a big failure. I’d love to just cut off 2018 now and skip right to 2019, but that’s just not how life works.
I made a remark previously that my really healthy grandmother was in the hospital. Well, even in just less than a month, she broke her hip, had a stroke in the hospital, and died.
I don’t mean to sound so blunt, but that’s how it was to us: blunt. It was so short and quick that we had nothing else to do but deal with it as it came and at times, nothing came. It was so frustrating that we didn’t have answers and “Why is this happening?” “Oh, that’s just something medical, but she’s fine and she’ll bounce back.” And the next day, going through the same thing because she didn’t bounce back sometimes.
Let me tell you something, I’m young. I’m in my early 20s and I’ve never really gone through a death before. I was too young before or I wasn’t close to the person, just close to the people who had lost someone.
I’ve got to be completely honest. I’m not okay.
I’ve been not okay before. Several times before, in fact. It sucks. You feel like you have to be okay.
But you’re suffocating. You’re drowning in this pool filled with thoughts and words and doubts and what-ifs and maybes and so many things in that pool that it starts to overflow. There’s no drain for it to go down and it spills out so much that you can’t control it. But you try to because you feel like you have to.
You get out of the pool that you were drowning in and try to put all of that crap back in, even though you know it’s not good for the pool. Of course, though, you only have a little tiny teacup to try to get it all back in.
At this point, you have a few options.
Option A: You get back into the pool. You let yourself drown in this never-ending-sorrow pit and you suffocate more but it’s still filling up.
Option B: You continue to try to shovel all of it back in, even though there’s no use in even trying, but that’s just what you do because maybe, maybe it’ll help.
Option C: You stand back and do nothing.
All of those options sound pretty horrible, right?
Let’s go through the outcomes of what would happen with each option.
Option A: Getting back into the Inner Pool (I’ll just dub that as the name—it seems fitting, you’ll get why later) to let yourself drown seems like an option. But getting in the Inner Pool will only lead to more harm. It could even lead to suicide, self-harm, bad self-worth, and so much more.
Option B: Trying to shovel back in all of the worries and problems into the Inner Pool seems a bit pointless, but it’s what a lot of us do. We pretend to be okay. We try to cover everything back up as if nothing is going on, even though, clearly, everything is going on.
First off, this is an extremely tiring option. You get so worn out from covering everything up and shoveling back into the Inner Pool something that it just cannot take any more. But we still do it! We can’t continue that façade forever. It tends to lead people to desire Option A because they can’t keep that shoveling up over and over and OVER again.
And second, it hurts you in the long run. If you don’t truly let yourself feel these emotions, it will be so much harder later on. You’ll cause damage to your spirit and to your mind. It’ll hinder yourself in life, not being able to feel emotions, because what is life if we are all numb?
Option C: If you couldn’t tell, I’m alluding to you to pick this option. Do nothing. Let yourself feel these emotions. Don’t let yourself drown in them and stay in the Inner Pool head-deep and suffocating.
With all of the overflowing going on, it’s bound to get up to your feet. Splash around in the water. Go to each problem and just stand in it and let yourself feel that you’re not okay with it. Let every emotion overcome you with just one problem at a time. Then move on to the next problem and do the same thing.
It really is okay to not be okay. Let yourself feel every emotion you need to, just little bits at a time so you can overcome each of those feelings/problems. Let yourself cry and be angry and throw a pillow or yell in it or whatever you need to do.
I’m sure you’ve caught on by now that the Inner Pool is your mind. We all have an Inner Pool of different sizes. We can tolerate only so much and someone else’s toleration may be a completely smaller or bigger amount than yours. Let’s not forget that we all have completely different problems as well. Sometimes there are repeats, but people can handle different situations than others.
Eventually, everyone’s Inner Pool overflows with all sorts of problems and sorrows and insecurities and whatever other problems there are. It happens. Take that breather that you need. Take that time to grieve over a loss of a loved one (death or otherwise). Let yourself feel your depression or anger or confusion. Give yourself a good cry (heaven only knows I don’t let myself cry enough) or punch a pillow (please don’t hurt anyone) or scream in your car. It’s okay to not be okay.
When you’ve gone through and splashed around and gotten out of your Inner Pool (mind), it helps. Once you have let yourself cry or scream or whatever, it releases those emotions that might have been adding to the Inner Pool by yourself.
Jumping back into your Inner Pool after having felt everything little by little and letting it overflow and letting it do that, you’ll notice that the problems might stop coming just enough for you to figure out that there is a drain that’s been plugged at the very bottom that you never saw before.
Go ahead, pull the plug and let it all drain. If it’s too hard to pull, maybe get back out and cry some more, go through the overflow and splash around again. It’s still okay to not be okay.