I need to be honest. I’ve been trying to write a post for the past 48 hours. I just can’t seem to get out the right words.
I’ve tried to write about a few different things. Why I’m starting the blog, a little blurb on depression and how it’s not just sadness, other hard topics to write about, but I just can’t seem to get out my thoughts on paper.
I’m not one to really talk about my feelings. I hate talking. Especially about myself. I don’t like telling my story or letting people in. I’ve just been hurt so many times or have had my words used against me so that it’s hard to open up.
One thing I am good at, though, is writing. I’ve seemed to always have a knack for it. My mom used to read my made-up stories or essays for school and would say to me, “I did not teach you how to write like this. How come you’re so good?! You did not get your writing skills from me. Definitely from your dad.”
I can almost hear those words still in my ears. I can write pretty well. In fact, beautifully sometimes. But it’s getting those words out of my head.
I told you before that I worry too much or think too much. That’s definitely the anxiety part of my mind. Racing at 150 miles per hour and just trying to figure out which exit to take so it can finally slow down. I think and I think and there’s just no stopping it.
I think so much that when someone asks me a question to try to explain my thoughts or what exactly I’m thinking, I get lost in all of the words and I just can’t get them out.
It seems like that happens a lot for people like me. And when they start to think too much, that’s when insomnia or panic attacks or whatever else starts to pop up that you can’t control because you can’t control your thinking and how it races.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s hard for me to open up because my mind just doesn’t seem to stop when I want it to.
The thing is, in order for me to be successful on this journey of healing and self-love, I need to be okay with sharing some of the really hard stuff and maybe some opinions that others might or might not share.
I need to get to the point of being able to say, “Hey, world! This is me and it’s the REAL ME!” But I’m just not up to that yet.
My first post was something that I had been thinking about for a long time, so it came out in about 30-45 minutes. I’m a good writer, but dang, that was really fast.
But to get to the other topics that I want to talk about and share and maybe even help others with, I need to be okay with talking about those dark things.
Opening up about the hard stuff is something not a lot of people do lately. On social media, you see people posting lots of happy things. They Tweet their funny parenting stories, they Instagram the best possible photo they took of themselves, and they share only the funny videos on Facebook.
Sometimes we see the sad posts or the hard posts or the bad news posts, but once they’ve been put up and had their share, everyone says, “It’s too sad, I need to see/share something happier so I can forget about all of this.”
But life isn’t like social media. I can’t just click the share button for my way to happiness. I can’t Tweet my sorrows and depression away. I can’t just scroll past the bad news because it’s life and I have to live that!
I can’t ignore the past I have or the depression that’s in me. I can’t see it one day but ignore it the next like what happens on TV for all of the breaking news stories. Life just is not fair like that.
If I want to help others see what life with depression is like, I can’t always talk about the good things or talk about one sad thing every couple of posts just because I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news.
Life is bad news when you have depression. It doesn’t have to be all bad. It can turn up and it has its amazing days and wonderful times. But that’s because you have to see it for yourself.
You have to load the good news into your life and turn it on every day because when it’s so hard to get up in the morning, you need to choose to see the good news to help you realize you have a life waiting for you.
Sharing the bad news is going to be hard, but that’s the good news. It seems like when there’s a high risk—opening up, which is really scary—there tends to be a high reward—realizing self-truths and healing.